


Indian Summer, Blackthorn Winter

by butterflydreaming (chrysalisdreams)



Category: Cardcaptor Sakura
Genre: M/M, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-06
Updated: 2003-12-06
Packaged: 2017-12-14 11:06:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/836210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chrysalisdreams/pseuds/butterflydreaming
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the final weeks before Clow Reed's death, he has a terrible realization about the possible consequences to Yue and Keroberos. COMPLETE. </p><p>(Available in ebook format, too. Link on my profile page.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: All CCS characters are the property of CLAMP. Characters, events, quotations from the manga, and quotations from the anime are all used without permission.
> 
> Author's note: This was my first chapter fic, and this is a (~2004) revision from it's original posting in 2003. I made a mistake with the title the first time around, because I mis-remembered the archaic term "blackthorn winter" (a winter that lasts longer than it should) as "hawthorn". (The term "Indian summer" means a summer of extended length.)

-Indian Summer, Blackthorn Winter-  
1 Indian Summer

As always, he woke slowly, leaving his dreams reluctantly. Dreams were a playland, where he could act without compunction or guilt; he could act without consequences. He left it reluctantly, even when he awoke to a warm companion in his bed, to the soft, deep bed itself, to being who he was, the foremost sorcerer in the world. For a moment upon waking, Clow Reed was aware of Yue's presence, and of Yue's hair on his pillow. Then a vision roiled over him like a sirocco and his awareness became --

Two beings, glowing lighter and lighter, at first like hearth flames, but silver and gold. Their light became thinner and less corporeal, like light underwater, refracted until it was… until they were… nothing… completely without substance… dispersed like a residue of ink when a calligrapher rinses his brush in a dish of water.

The vision overwhelmed him, and then the vision passed. Clow felt his weight on the mattress; he felt the heavy silk tangling his feet; he felt the needs of his body. The light of early morning flowed past the bed curtains, glowing on Yue's silver mantle and on the curves of his sleeping form. Clow let his eyes rest on the still image of his beloved; he listened to Yue's breathing and to his own, grasping to the reality around him, until needs became demands and his human nature forced him up. Quietly, not to disturb the angelic creature and wake his attention, Clow slipped out of the bed and lightly made his way to the washroom.

He filled the sink and took his time washing his hands in the basin, which reminded him of centuries of habit, before the modern world improved on pitcher-and-bowl. He soaked a cloth and held it to his face until he felt calmed, at least calmed enough to smile and not to frighten Yue. For a moment longer, the kanji of Yue's name and the calligraphy for Keroberos flared in the magician's mind. He suppressed his understanding, pushing the memory of his precognition out of his mind, and stepped back into his bedroom.

Clow thought Yue still slumbered, but as the sorcerer sat down upon the covers, the lips of his glorious creation plumped into a smile, and Yue's eyes slowly opened. A laugh, soft and breathy, escaped him as he stretched.

"Good morning."

"Good morning, Yue," said Clow.

"Will you make breakfast?" asked the pale beauty as he sat upright. His wings spread wide, whispering against the silk bedcovers. "I dreamed about brandied pears."

Clow reached out and caressed the feathers. The crisp whisper under his fingertips lent him comfort. "Let's see what Keroberos dreamed about."

"He will still be dreaming about it, Clow." Yue pushed errant platinum strands out of his face and rubbed his eyes. "He is still sleeping."

"So he is," chuckled the Master, after he opened his mind and found the third member of their household, on a chaise lounge downstairs. Clow's two grandest creations had, by their nature, a bond; they had a balanced sensitivity to each other. "Nevertheless, I think that his stomach will be waking him soon." The sorcerer, roaming his eyes over Yue's disheveled state, smiled broadly. "Come, you lazy creature, and help me dress," Clow teased.

With seriousness that was feigned, Yue shoved the man off of the bed, and laughed loudly when Clow pulled him after. Heavy bedcovers and a tome from the side table followed, almost to the lovers' peril.

"Of what were your dreams?" Yue asked, winding his fingers through Clow's long hair . He was tending the silky weight with a playful slowness, brushing and styling it in creative ways, though he knew that his Master would wear it simply, tied with a ribbon and carelessly slipped over a shoulder. It gave the magician the distracted look that was true to his nature.

"I dreamed," Clow hesitated only a moment before replying, "that I was swimming deep in the ocean, somewhere tropical, like Belize – do you remember how the water was? The sunlight was far and thin above me. All around me were marvelous sights: fishes big and small, long or flat, in an ocean garden." His eyes met his creation's eyes, reflected in the mirror before him. "There were eels, the color of your hair, swimming all around me."

"Apologies. I'll tie it back when I sleep, next time."

Clow turned in his chair. With gentle firmness, he caught the other's wrists with his hands.

"Yue, I'm definitely not going to wear ringlets."

"I know, Master." Yue released his unintrusive magic and let the curls relax into silky black folds. He sighed. "I wish that I could have dreamed that with you."

"You dislike swimming."

The winged man acquiesced with a nod. "But it would be a dream of swimming," Yue corrected. He exhaled with along sigh. "Maybe I could have kept you dreaming."

"What do you mean?" asked Clow.

Gathering Clow's hair simply – at last – with a wine-colored strip of weaving, Yue explained, "maybe that vision would not have disturbed you." His eyes, silvery-violet and serious, met Clow's in the mirror. "What did you See?"

As Yue spoke, the bedroom door crept open, allowing in the golden form of a young lion, winged like Yue. His sleep-cloudy eyes cleared as he heard his sibling's words. "Clow!" gruffed Keroberos. "Did you have a bad vision? What did you See?"

Their Master shrugged off the repeated question. "I don't yet understand it," he lied, smiling. "It may not be important." He rose from the chair and stretched as if relaxed. "Come, let's have breakfast," he urged.

The big cat did not need convincing. "Buckwheat pancakes! Buckwheat pancakes! BUCKWHEAT PANCAKES!" cried Keroberos.

Breakfast preparation took very little time, but Clow immersed himself in the details of poaching fruit and finding the perfect density of the pancake batter. He could hear Yue and Keroberos arguing amiably in the other room, Yue's velvety, even-toned voice provoking emphatic responses from his counterpart. Clow felt the vision skirting around the periphery of his eyes. He burned a griddle's worth of pancakes.

"I love you, Clow," said Keroberos, after stuffing himself with a final round of aromatic buckwheat discs. Contentedly, he lapped syrup from his impressive claws.

"I love you more, Master," stated Yue. Though he had said the same words before in sincerity, this time, they carried a sarcastic teasing.

"Not possible," countered the lion.

"Now," interrupted their Master before the old argument, playful though it was, could begin again, "you are only saying that because your bellies are full of pancakes and pears, and I've already cleaned up the dishes." But Yue had his hand, under the table, on Clow Reed's thigh, and Keroberos had his paw on Reed's hem. "I want to spend the afternoon in my study, but first, I think that we should take a walk." He slipped his hand briefly on top of Yue's before standing up.

The gardens surrounding the Reed mansion were immense, encompassing most of a hillside, and reaching to the outskirts of a small town beyond. A combination of its size and common protection spells protected the estate from unwanted visitors, and -- more importantly -- unwanted attention. Inside the gates, the magician used no more magic than was strictly necessary to keep up the gardens; where he did not prune and cultivate, weeds and wildflowers freely became meadows. Windfall apples were plentiful in the orchard. Clow collected an armful of the recent ones during the companions' amble through the trees, as well as ripe persimmons, pears, and figs. Although the time of year was officially past the equinox, the air was warm and the trees still bore dark green foliage.

The sorcerer Reed leaned against one of the bigger trees to watch Keroberos, who was alternating between loping across the deep grass and springing into the cloudless sky to display his aerobatic skill. The uneasiness of the morning would not entirely leave the magician. Here in his gardens, he could feel the currents of power flowing like underground streams, yet he was unable now to take anything from them. For more than a year he had known that he was failing; his magic renewed more and more slowly over time. If the currents of magic were like underground rivers, then he was like a spring going dry.

Until this morning, he had been able to put the thought of dying out of his mind. In visions he had seen that, one day, all of his creations – Keroberos, Yue, and the Clow Cards – would choose to be with another, a powerful sorceress who would kind, caring, and wise. In the time between, the Estate would sustain them. Yue could pass for human in the outside world, Keroberos was very adaptable, and the two of them, he knew, would look out for the Cards and each other.

"How could I have not realized…" he murmured to himself.

Yue, sitting at his feet with his head resting lightly against the sorcerer's leg, caught the soft musing. "What did you not realize, mauschen?" he asked, rising to his feet to whisper the question into the magician's ear. Lightly, with a languid contentment, the winged man rested his arms in a circle around Clow's waist.

The endearment caused the sorcerer to smile. "Little mouse, indeed, he thought with amusement. His breath caught as Yue's lips followed Yue's words. "…what a constant distraction you would be to me," answered Clow.

Yue dragged his lips and long fingers along the magician's neck. "I am as you made me," he murmured.

"Sometimes I wonder about that." He caught his lover's mouth with his own, and savored a kiss that was long, deep, and slow. Then Yue pulled tauntingly away from him.

"No hurry," he said, slyly smiling.

"No," Clow lied in agreement.

Clow removed his reading lenses and rubbed moisture back into his eyes. Despite reading in a well-lit study, he had developed an ache behind his eyes from the hours of roaming words. The creation of his companions had been an effort of months and mountains of filled pages. He was very sorry now that his handwriting was so sloppy; deciphering his own notations had been slow going. It had been fruitless, as well. He had not forgotten any of the details of their making.

Keroberos entered the study through the open door, carrying a covered basket in his powerful jaws. Clow remained unaware of him until the lion shoved the basket into Clow's lap. "Time to eat!" he announced.

Clow looked out the window into the darkness of night. The sun had set some time ago, yet it was late in October now, so dark fell at an early hour. He had no idea of the time. "Have I missed dinner?"

"And lunch, Clow. We decided that if we didn't bring food to you, you might skip tomorrow's breakfast, too." The winged lion eyed his Master accusingly. "I had to eat Yue's cooking," he grumped.

"Yue's still downstairs?"

"My Rock beat his Scissors. I get you all to myself. Oh, that Bundt is good – I had the rest of the ring. I don't know about that sandwich though. Yue put some kind of olive relish thing in it and it smells pretty bad." He shook a speck of tapanade off of his claw. "He has a funny idea about what you like."

"It's a good thing that I have you, Keroberos, to set him straight." The red pepper sandwich was delicious, perfect with the strong flavor of kalamata olive tapanade. Clow's stomach growled as it woke. Yue, who had no imperative to eat for sustenance, only cooked for Clow, delicate things with exotic flavors that took meticulous preparation. Although Clow himself was a superior cook, only Yue knew the uses for some of the spices in the Reed cupboards.

"You don't have to eat it just to make him happy. I can bury it out where that skunk cabbage grows."

Clow answered with a wink, "I think I'll survive it." He and Keroberos transferred themselves to the hearthside, and Clow lit a fire. Since he was surrendering reading for the rest of the evening, the magician dismissed the extra light in the room. Even that small magical gesture left him with a disquieting feeling of being pulled, or pulling, as when one's clothing snags on a twig. Illuminating the room was partially responsible for his fatigue. He sighed.

"Are you okay, Clow?" asked Keroberos.

"Today wasn't as successful as I had hoped," Clow admitted.

The lion stretched out on his back, pawing playfully at the shadows from the fire. "You'll get it tomorrow," he said with confidence.

"That is my hope," sighed Clow. He finished the meal prepared for him by one of his loved ones, and admired the effect of firelight on the other. The jewel in the lion's headpiece glowed less vividly than did the lion's eyes or the honey-gold flowing across the cat's powerful muscles. The being that Clow had made surpassed any lion on the veldt. Clow could not imagine this vital creature dying with him. "I was selfish, when I made you."

"You're a pretty selfish guy," replied Keroberos, kicking the magician gently with one foot, to soften the insult.

. . .


	2. Falling Leaves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I know the sorrow of the falling leaf._

Maddeningly, Clow woke to the same vision each morning, or else it came on him while making or eating the morning meal. He was learning to hide when the moment enfolded him, to avoid questions from his companions. After he stopped keeping Yue in his bed, Clow woke to the vision alone, but it was easier than trying to cover his fear under Yue's attention. Despite Clow's outward calm, the repetition of the vision only increased his agitation. A single incidence would have been a warning, a minor but possible outcome.

Sometimes, the vision flowed from the end of a dream, especially if he dreamed of Keroberos and Yue. He would be paralyzed, watching them drift into non-existence. Unaware of what was happening to themselves, they would become less than an idea, a hope, or a memory. He learned to stop dreaming of his creations. His dream-life became discolored, a remembered loneliness creeping in to taint it, keeping him aware that his dreams were a dim reflection of living.

In dreams, he was a step removed from his emotions. His dreams were just paler than real life. Regrettably, his visions, particularly the unpleasant ones, boiled with a vivid passion that matched the most intense moments of his experience. Clow Reed had been forever plagued with knowledge of his future. He was a man who delighted in the unexpected moment. So few of them, for him, were unforseen.

Once, he had coveted knowledge. He had starved and lusted for knowledge, and that was a beneficial desire for a man of magic. Over time, and after the creation of his companions, he became sated, and alternately drawn to experience, and to the shape of the moment. Yet the knowledge that came from visions was unstoppable, inevitable, and burdensome.

 _This_  foresight, he wished had come sooner. Time was so short, now. As if in sympathy, the autumn had finally begun to chill the nights and change the colors of the leaves. At times the air smelled of snow. Nothing could match the volume of knowledge in his own libraries, but they were too familiar, and his house felt close and imprisoning. The magician alternated thought-filled walks through his estate with forays to the outer world. He exercised his honorary doctorate to scour the University libraries for the mote of information that might lead to an answer.

In these excursions, he went alone, leaving his companions perturbed. Keroberos would see Clow dressed modernly in his camel-hair suit and shift happily into his false form, and Clow had needed to order Keroberos not to hide in his pockets. To mollify the disappointed creature, the magician always remembered to return with treats. Yue, in contrast, seemed patient to give Clow his privacy, but Clow felt Yue watch him when he left the house, and Yue would always be waiting at a window for his return.

After several weeks, Clow returned to his own libraries, beginning his search again. He noticed that Yue would take Keroberos out of the house, and out of sight of the windows, during the days, and was grateful for the quiet. As a side effect, he saw little of his companions. Yue only came to Clow's room by invitation, and lately the sorcerer was spending late evenings with his books.

As the weather became colder, the pair stayed indoors more, but seemed to have found quiet pursuits. One morning, Clow realized that the manor felt empty. He found that Yue had again prepared a breakfast for him, fruit and madeleines and tea that was still hot, in a pot wrapped with a tea towel. After a brief hunt, he found that Keroberos was taking a late morning nap in the sun. Clow hesitated, wondering if he should wake him, for a chat or for a game. Realizing that he was without the energy for either, he left the lion sleeping. He went, instead, to look for Yue, just to see him.

Yue was reading in the West Library. He was nestled in the bay window, a book open in his lap, but he was contemplatively gazing out at the crisp blue sky. He looked back into the dark room as Clow approached, his eyes narrowing slightly as they readjusted to the indoor shadows.

"You looked so far away," murmured Clow.

Yue's slight smile was slow and dreamy. "I was contemplating my existence." He lifted the book from his lap. It was a book on philosophy that Clow had seen him often reading. Yue looked down at the page, and said, as if reading the text within, "Nothing exists, but for Clow. Therefore, Clow is All."

At his words, Clow stepped toward him and stole the book from Yue's hands. He slammed the book closed. "Do not say that." His frustrated anger bubbled up, and he threw the book to the floor, where it skidded and flipped across the Persian rug.

"It was a jest!" exclaimed a shocked Yue. " **Clow**."

The magician was immediately ashamed of his outburst. Yet, he was still angry. He knew he should say something, an apology, but Yue's oblivious calm only exacerbated the sorcerer's desperation. "I have work to do," he stated, turning away.

Yue made no response for a pause that felt eternal. "Should I leave," he asked flatly, his melodious voice rimed with a prickling frost.

"Yes. Please."

Yue silently unfolded himself from the window seat. His bare feet touched the floor and he brought himself up with elegant grace. "Clow." His eyes fluoresced violet; his voice was quiet. "Are you hiding something?"

Clow Reed grew still. "You know that I would never hide anything of importance from you," he lied calmly. He looked into his creation's eyes. Yue met them measuringly. His smile was gone, and his face was like porcelain. Yue looked away and began to walk quickly past his Master toward the doorway, but Clow reached out and held fast to his arm.

"Let go," came Yue's voice, not icy now, but crystalline.

Clow released him, and Yue bolted out of the library. Clow cursed, at first quietly, then again loudly. He strode toward the door, beginning to follow, and then changed his mind, instead slamming the heavy door shut. The burst of violence only made him feel more ashamed; he knew that he was at fault for being on edge. He was at fault for initiating the confrontation; he was at fault for lying. Everything was his fault.

The length of another week disappeared in the Reed libraries. Yue avoided his Master entirely, and Clow allowed it. Keroberos brought meals to the sorcerer, but kept characteristically silent about the bitterness in the household. Often, Clow found his oldest friend watching him with a waiting, feline stare. Once, he brushed against the magician and gently growled, "you'll work it out", misinterpreting the root of Clow's obscured cheer.

Clow Reed thought of almost nothing but his own death. The vision was almost constantly at the back of his eyes now. His eyes ached; words blurred; he read and reread them without being able to extract the sought after elixir. Looking out his window, he had a view of the world stretching out to a distant horizon. To the sorcerer, it was an empty world.

 _I know the sorrow of the autumn leaf_ , thought Clow, a slow thought, as if someone listened. The trees beyond the window were painted with the season's change, leaves of every shape dropping.  _When it is time to fall, how does it find the courage to release the branch?_  In the garden, no breeze moved, but the magician watched a maple leaf, red as a flower and fringed like a feather, detach and spiral downward, graceful and lovely.  _And why does it dance?_

The leaves would all fall; that was the simplest of truths. They had already begun to pile up on the walkways and flower beds, making a warm blanket that would protect the sleeping plants from winter's frost and snow. The leaves would all fall. All things must die.

_I must die too._

Only… it would not only be Clow Reed who would die, and this is what laid sorrow upon him. He was a mortal man, sorcery made him long-lived, yet still he was mortal. Keroberos and Yue were creations of his magic…  _his_  magic. Sorcery made them immortal, but –

 _Immortal while I live_.

It was obscene. He would die, and they would not die; they would dissolve into the ether from which they came. He, Clow Reed, was the calligrapher. He had written their names on magic. He could love them to the core of his soul but he could not save them merely with his love.

And so Clow wept, behind a locked door where his beloveds could not see him powerless. Angrily he shed tears in a study full of books, filled with answers to every question under the heavens but this one, how to save them. Against the cold glass he sobbed as a child sobs, inconsolable.

. . .


	3. Blackthorn Winter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In Buddhism there is no place for using effort. Just be ordinary and nothing special. Eat your food, move your bowels, pass water, and when you're tired go and lie down. The ignorant will laugh at me, but the wise will understand._  
>  RINZAI
> 
> The essence of this is sometimes confabulated and quoted as, "When you are hungry, eat. When you are thirsty, drink, and when you are tired, sleep."

_Blackthorn Winter_

Again, it was past midnight when Clow stumbled from the library in search of his bed. For hours, he had simply sat in the darkness, looking at a ghostly reflection of himself in the window glass. He could no longer conjure light without his Card, and he shied from even her company. He found the door to the library by the thin rim of hallway light. When he entered the corridor, his eyes had trouble adjusting to the lamplight, so he did not at first see Yue. Yue stood close to the wall, as if trying not to be noticed. Clow stared at him helplessly.

"Clow, what are you doing to yourself?" Yue whispered. His eyes, wide, glowed from an expression of pity.

"I'm so tired," sighed Clow. He swallowed. "I'm so sorry."

Yue made a small sound, like a whimper. He stepped into Clow's arms and held him fiercely. Face buried into the robes on Clow's shoulder, he pushed his hands deeply into Clow's robes until they touched bare skin. The touch was like the hazy heat around a candle flame. The warmth seeped into Clow like summer.

"I'm a fool," Clow moaned in a whisper. "Forgive me. Forgive me," he repeated, softly into Yue's hair. Yue was shivering. Clow's shoulder was becoming wet with tears. Quietly, Clow walked Yue to his bedroom, shutting the door behind them. "Shhh," he said to Yue, "I am so sorry. Forgive me."

Yue half-sobbed. "Can I stay?"

In reply, Clow pulled his beloved's face up and kissed his mouth deeply. That Yue tasted like cardamom and peppermint surprized him for a moment, surprized him because he should not have stopped noticing. Clow's words were a murmur between their lips. "Can my love be enough?"

Yue responded with matching ardor. "I've never needed else," breathed Yue between kisses, "Master." It was a title that Yue usually used teasingly, but now he said it reverently, if a little sadly. Clow knew that he was forgiven. By Yue, he was forgiven.

Words dissolved into more kisses, Clow's lips under the fall of silver hair, against Yue's neck, Yue's chin, Yue's shoulders. He pressed his lips to the tear-streaked face, tasting salt. The kisses were a balm, but kisses were not enough. His hands sought the bindings and catches of Yue's garments while Yue undressed the sorcerer with practiced familiarity; Clow's outer robe fell heavily to the floor, and was followed by the layers of Yue's clothing. Their garments tangled the lovers' feet. They tripped while stripping the sorcerer's pants and tumbled short of the bed, oblivious to the rough landing.

Clow pulled Yue above him; he thrilled to the heat of bare skin to bare skin. But Yue lifted himself away, up onto his knees. His hyacinth eyes flashed more brilliantly than amethysts, picking up the faint light in the room. Slowly, with seraphic glory, he brought forth and unfurled his wings.

For a little while, Yue was Zeus to Clow's Leda; his swan-white feathers whispered around them. After they parted from that first frantic coupling, Clow heard Yue stand and make his way to a window. The curtains slid back to reveal bright moonlight; Yue's sweat dampened skin was adularescent in the glow of his namesake. In that moment, Yue looked completely inhuman; his wings hid the most human parts of him. Moonlight lit his eyes and glowed in the long cord of his hair. His grace was liquid as he walked back to his maker.

He surprised Clow by picking the man up, a challenging show of his strength, and carrying him to the bed. Yue dropped Clow with a soft bounce, then followed him onto the yielding surface. "I'm not done yet," he said, his voice buttery with humor.

Clow chuckled. "Is that a challenge?"

The moon set before the lovers exhausted each other. Yin-yanged together, Yue whispered, "You are everything." Clow twisted around to bring Yue into his arms. Yue still tasted of cardamom and peppermints, and of Clow. "I love you, I love you, I love you," he pledged.

"Til death parts us," answered Clow, knowing that he should not say it.

Yue shook his head. "I would follow you into the next life."

When morning came, and with it, the penance of Clow's vision, Clow felt an understanding resting lightly across his mind. After he woke Yue with more kisses, and all that followed, his understanding clarified. "I will follow you into the next life," Yue had said.

His reincarnation… was something that Clow had long taken for granted. It was not uncommon for a person, particularly one who was strong in magic, to remember his past lives. It could be done; Clow's philosophies were fresh in his mind from the tortured month behind him. He merely had to decipher how to imp the feathers of his magic across two lifetimes. Nothing mattered except keeping his magic alive… if not in this body, then in the _next life_. And all he had to do was die in this life.

His mind was open. Possibilities, contingencies, spilled out before him like the contents of a messy trunk. Lying in his bed, Clow laughed to think of it, this epiphany from the joy of passionate expression. _When you're hungry, eat; when you're tired, sleep – Indeed!_ And in regards to eating… .

He startled Yue and Keroberos both by cooking an immense breakfast, almost more than Keroberos could eat, and consuming second helpings himself. He ignored his books entirely for the rest of the day, and spent the morning -- wearing only a summer yukata -- playing around the manor with various whimsical inventions. He spent the afternoon piling leaves into enormous mounds, using as many of the Cards as he could without revealing his magical weakness, and tumbling in the leaf piles with both Yue and Keroberos.

To Keroberos' delight, the next few days were spent in a similar manner. They picnicked in the meadow, despite the cold windy weather, and searched the grounds for the "perfect autumn leaf". By the evening fire, Yue beat Clow at a contest of haiku, while Keroberos and his Master were well matched at Rummy. Although Clow's manner was slightly more manic than customary, the household felt closer to normal than it had in weeks.

Clow left the manor, alone again, twice more. His companions, at first worried that their Master would relapse into his depression, were reassured when the ventures were short and Clow returned invigorated. The trips were merely for legal matters, he told them -- truthfully.

Clow met with his lawyers to divide the estate. He made arrangements to have all but the main house sold, forming two anonymous trust funds. It was morbidly fun, Clow felt, to create the birth records for his reincarnations. He had decided to split his spirit into two; his reasons were (appropriately) two-fold. The redundancy would assure the solid transfer of magic that would sustain his creations. Additionally, the split would reduce his magic, and consequently reduce the strength of his foresight. His future selves would be free of the foreknowledge had born so heavily on Clow Reed.

He provided for the children (they would be children but not infants) to attend separate boarding schools. Eriol he would send to England, the country of Clow's childhood. The other boy, Fujitaka, would stay here in Japan. The decision was partly due to the political state of China and his estrangement from the Li Clan, and partially because Japan was the home of Clow's choice in adulthood. The magician wished that he could find families for the "orphans", but it couldn't be helped. He did not have enough time.

Snow had begun falling during the night, and still fell, obscuring the last of autumn in a thick white layer. The companions talked about building snow forts after lunch. Keroberos boasted excitedly about his snowball skills, while Yue emphasized that structural technique and a solid defense were the keys to victory.

Clow had overdone lunch; there was vastly too much for the three of them to consume. Because he wanted this day to slow its passing, he made dish after dish, six desserts and four kinds of salad: potato, macaroni, bean, and Ambrosia. No one touched the Jell-O mold, except to _touch_ it and watch it undulate.

He had to tell them today. He would not live out the day, and he had to tell them _now._ He should tell them now, but not at the table, not like a Last Supper. Yue had so enjoyed the _tai_ ; the bamboo hashi looked bewitchingly elegant in his long slim hands. And Keroberos had only tasted two of the desserts.

The energetic lion pounced on his creator. "Come on, Clow, while the snow's still fresh!"

"What about the pudding," Clow stalled. "Have some cake first."

"I'll eat that cake later!" insisted Keroberos. "The snow's gonna melt!"

Yue laughed. "Let's go," he cajoled, pulling on his Master's arm.

Clow sighed, and put on a brave smile. "In a moment. First," he fought to hide the trembling in his voice, "I have something that I need to tell you. Please, come with me." Clow walked ahead of them to the second floor, feeling their curiousity as they followed him up the stairs to his study. Once in the room, he picked up a book from his desk; it was the book that contained and protected the Clow Cards, and within it, they slept. Taking the book with him, the sorcerer went to his armchair and turned it away from the cold fireplace. Sitting down before his creations, he confessed. "I am dying."

"What do you mean?" The question was filled with shocked non-comprehension.

Clow's held his face in a calm mask. "Exactly what I said, Yue. Today I die."

A low growl rumbled in the room. "That's not funny."

 _Oh, God_ , thought Clow. They were going to make this hard. "Sorry, Keroberos, but this isn't a joke."

Horror and fear filled Yue's face. His eyes were wild and his voice was like a knife of ice. "But… WHY?!" he wailed. He stepped once toward Clow, and then seemed unable to move further.

Clow's heart twisted with his lover's pain. "It is my time," he managed to say, in a resigned voice that was a lie. He brushed his fingertips on Yue's face.

Keroberos stepped forward also, but wearing a mix of anger and disbelief. "Oh, come on… you may have a twisted personality Clow, but you're the most powerful magician in the world. We oughta know. You made us. You've lived hundreds of years, but your magic hasn't weakened at all."

"True," said the sorcerer, hating this one lie more upon his deceptive serenity. "But all living things must come to an end." Keroberos placed his head heavily into his Masters lap. Clow felt his courage wavering, so he went on quickly, "Therefore, I must prepare…"

"Prepare for what?" Keroberos sounded defeated, uninterested.

Clow explained, "For the person who will care for you after I'm gone."

Yue's response was immediate and angry. "I don't want another Master," he hissed, harshly and quietly.

A sigh almost escaped from the magician, but he caught himself. "Then you can decide, Yue, whether that person is suitable to be your master." The sorcerer allowed himself the touch of his lover's hair through his fingers.

"No one else is suitable." Yue was strangling tears. As Clow watched, they formed on Yue's silver lashes and cascaded soundlessly.

This was a decision that Clow had made after long and careful consideration. He could not waver now, though he could not bear the betrayal in Yue's eyes. He turned to Keroberos. "Hm. It would be unfair to let Yue decide alone, wouldn't it? Keroberos, you will choose the candidate."

"You're serious." Keroberos regarded his Master with a measure of disgust. "Is there nothing we can do about this?"

Clow forged on. "In time, when Keroberos has chosen the candidate," Clow risked grasping Yue's arm; Yue, rigid, was shaking. "You alone will judge that person's worthiness to be your new master."

"I don't need a new master," Yue insisted adamantly. Desperation and despair clung to his words. He looked at the book at Clow's feet, and realization crossed his features. "I'll sleep in the book forever!" His voice dropped to a ghost of a whisper. "I don't want to wake up anymore."

Clow pulled his distraught creation into his arms. Yue crumpled to his knees. Fighting to maintain his false composure, the magician rested his cheek against Yue's forehead, inhaling the scent of his lover's hair for the final time. "Yue and Keroberos… and the Clow Cards… I poured all my heart and power into making you. So after I die, I ask only that you live," he paused, seized his composure again, and continued, "in happiness with your new master."

Yue was shaking his head, sadly, weakly. "Live," breathed Clow into his beloved's hair. Then Clow willed his creation to sleep, and Yue relaxed in the magician's arms. Clow Reed stood, redefined Yue, and sealed him into the Clow Cards' book.

Keroberos spoke more quietly than he ever had. "You know Yue better than anyone, Clow. Do you really think he'd ever approve a new master?"

"No. That's why you have to find a master that Yue will approve of."

"Jeez… you really are selfish," Keroberos complained, but fondness colored his voice. "You have a terrible personality for a magician, you know that? Such strong magic with such a whimsical lifestyle. But to me, you were a good master."

"Thank you." Clow quickly grabbed the lion and pressed a kiss to the side of his face. His tears finally escaped him. As they began to dampen the golden fur, Clow sealed his friend into the book's cover.

He had a last message to his creations, in the form of false memories, and he placed this magic on the beings in the book. He hoped that these memories would ease their pain and allow them to accept his death. In them, as they nursed his failing body, he had time to tell them about their roles as guardians of the Clow Cards, and of judging the one who would be their new master. Neither would know that the sorceress was already a certainty, nor would they know about the Bell of the Moon that would assure it. In this, Clow Reed allowed himself one more expression of his whim.

Carefully, he pooled his magic back into himself from the incidental spells around the manor, as well as those that guarded the estate. In his libraries, most of his books crumbled to dust when their protections fled. Regret touched him like snowflakes at the loss, which would be mirrored in his gardens among the non-native species. Nevertheless, like snowflakes, it melted against his suriety of purpose. "And now," he said bravely aloud, "I will use the last of my magic."

Clow took his time; this would be the last and most important act of his long life. With all his power wrapped around him, he raised his staff and opened the magic circle.

Eriol Hiiragizawa opened his eyes as the magic stilled, and was washed with a disorienting sense of déjà vu. He was aware in a way that a child his age, in appearance no more than four or five, should not yet be aware. Something was wrong. The part of him that was Clow Reed told him so. He should not have so much power; even renewed with the reborn body, it should only be half as much.

He turned to the child beside him. This boy was the same age as Eriol, though his appearance differed slightly, and… he _had no magical aura_. Eriol looked around for the Clow Book, saw it, and quickly picked it up off the floor. Clow Reed's worry dissolved. He could feel Clow's creations, securely dormant within the book's covers.

The other boy huddled with fright, sobbing. Eriol laid a comforting touch on the toddler's hair, silky like Eriol's own but lighter in color. He pulled responsibility around himself like a mantle, as heavy a burden as his uncleaved magic. "It will be alright," he assured, soothing the terrified child. "It will be absolutely alright."

And the rest, you know.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check my profile for a link to a ebook version of this story. (Of course it's free!) I apologize that some spelling errors slipped through to the import to AO3. The ebook has been corrected for these errors.


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